It was now almost twenty-five years since he had stolen it. He kept it hidden in his side of the wardrobe, covered by old, messy clothes that nobody ever bothered to sort out. They had an understanding, each of them managed their own side of the wardrobe, so Evie never looked through his things.
Sometimes, when he was alone in the house, he would not risk it when she was home, he would dig it out and look through the things in it. He knew them all so well, over time they had become like sacred objects, so much so that when he went through them he would carefully touch them so as not to damage them.
It was the bag that had changed his life. It stood as a marker of the before and after of his life. The moment that had put him on the path to become the man he was now.
For the longest time he could not think about that day, about that moment. But then, as he settled into his own life, as he became more stable he dared look back, and accept what he had done. Accept, but not forgive.
He was young, he was a stupid boy of seventeen, from a family that did not have too much time for him. During all that time spent outside, he had made some unsuitable friendships, bad people that were just too happy to take advantage of the strength and youth of an easily manipulated young man.
He was so foolish. He pretended to be strong and sophisticated, sometimes his pretense was so good that he would believe it himself, but he was just a child.
During that time he did some drugs, he beat up some boys and he stole, he stole a lot. From shops, from markets, from people. He stole so much that he had come to see himself like a sort of super hero thief, that could do what ever he wanted and he would never be caught.
One day, him and his mates wanted to go to Supermac’s, but they did not have the money for all the things they wanted. That is when he, the big man, the outstanding thief, said he will handle it. He will get the money. The others encouraged him noisily.
He watched and waited for a bit, and then, he saw her. An oldish woman coming out of the bank and wearing one of those old bags, with a very short strap that just goes to the elbow, easy to grab and run with.
He did not need to think or plan for too long. He jumped off the bench he had climbed on, walked quickly until he was right behind her, grabbed the bag and ran. It was all so quick that nobody had a chance to even understand what had happened.
The old woman started yelling and, unexpectedly, ran after him. He found out only a few hours later what happened, when with their bellies full they strolled back into the center of town, the bag long thrown behind the wall of a derelict building.
It seems the old woman ran after him in the street and was hit by a car. It seems she did not make it, but that while breathing her last breath, there on the wet asphalt, she said that she forgave the person that had done that, that for sure they must need the money desperately. And then she died.
The tragedy of the situation became national news. Her last words were repeated on TV, on the radio, printed in all the papers. Everybody was talking about it, analyzing the situation, expressing opinions on what happened, the state of the nation, the inability of the guards to protect the citizens. It became this national feverish concern and there was nowhere he could go to escape it.
The money he had stolen were long gone, it was not even that much, and the meal he had eaten at the expense of the woman’s life was making him feel very sick. So sick that a few weeks after he had to be hospitalized.
When he felt better he thought about confessing, but he could not, he was so afraid of being locked up anywhere that he just could not.
In the hospital he met his first male nurse, a good looking, strong man and he was puzzled of his choice to do a woman’s job. The nurse explained that he would have liked to be a doctor, but he was just not smart enough, so he became a nurse and he loved it.
‘Helping people and supporting them when they need it most is a very good feeling!’, the nurse told him.
That is when he had found his career. From then on things just seemed to fall into place.
When he came out of the hospital he went and looked for the bag. Her found it where he had thrown it and took it home. A reminder of her, of the woman that gave her life for his.
Over the next twenty five years he helped hundreds, if not thousands of people. Each Christmas their letterbox overflowed with grateful cards from people he had helped over the years, but, despite all this, sadly, he could never feel the joy of fulfillment as he never really forgave himself for that stupid act that had led to her death.
Another day, during the holidays, when the number of patients was way too large for the number of staff available in the hospital to properly care for them, a woman came in to the emergency desk saying that she does not feel well, something feels wrong with her heart.
‘I am sorry to bother you … but I am all alone and did not know where to go …’
The busy receptionist shoved a form in her face and signaled to her to sit down.
That is when he was passing through and, with the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of the woman’s trembling hand holding the pen, the grey skin, the shallow breathing. He went to her and without asking for permission grabbed her wrist. Her pulse was racing.
‘Come with me!’
She followed in a daze of confusion.
He sat her in one of the little cubicles set for screening and quickly connected her to a heart rate monitor. Supraventricular Tachycardia, he was sure, no time to waste. In such a fast movement, that looked to her like a magic trick, he connected her to an IV line and in a matter of seconds she went from feeling like she was dying to no pain at all.
She felt so stupid, bothering them for nothing, but as she was to find out later from the doctor, what the nurse did actually saved her life.
When he visited her later in the week she was doing well.
‘I don’t know why they don’t let me go home! At first they barely paid attention to me and now I cannot leave!’, she was genuinely annoyed.
‘We just need to monitor you for a bit. Please don’t stress yourself, that is bad for your heart.’
She smiled at him.
‘Do you know, that is what my mother used to tell me. I never listened …’, her eyes drifted to the blue sky outside.
‘Did you lose her a long time ago?’, from her sad tone he knew her mother was gone.
‘Oh yes, tis twenty five years ago now. But you know, it never goes away the pain, the emptiness, you just learn to live with it, it becomes part of you.’
‘I am so sorry …’
‘You might have read about it, it was big news then … she was run over by a car when she was chasing a thief that got her bag … she became famous then. All forgotten now. Are you ok?’
His blood ran cold into his veins. The universe does have a very dark sense of humor.
‘I am so sorry … for your loss … I …’, he did not have words.
‘You are kind! Thank you! My mom would have loved you! You saved my life!’
And she saved mine. He thought miserably to himself. That is when he felt this uncontrollable urge to confess, to tell her everything, to come clean…
‘I hope they burn in Hell, the thief I mean, that took her away from me!’
Her voice was so full of hatred that his words got stuck in his throat.
‘I am sure they will, if they haven’t already …’
The doctor came in then and he stepped out.
Maybe it was true, maybe he will burn in Hell, this meant he could live his life now, if his punishment was guaranteed anyway, and maybe, just maybe, all the good thoughts of the people he had helped, or even saved, will grant him a lesser kind of Hell.
Just maybe … somehow these thoughts gave him an unexpected feeling of lightness of being and knowing that his punishment was guaranteed allowed him to let go of his burden of guilt.
God works in mysterious ways!