Some say love cannot last a lifetime. I beg to differ.
I beg and I cry from the top of my lungs to differ. It has now been more than twenty one years since I saw her, and still she is present in my mind as if it was yesterday.
Sometimes I think I was cursed, a spell put on me by an evil witch to torment me so that I never have a restful day in my life.
My wife, my poor wife, she always only has had a fragment of me. I was never able to love her fully because my heart was already given a long time before I met her.
When I remember that night, I often am not sure if it really happened or was it just an alcohol fueled dream. It went about like this.
I had just started college in Trinity and was beyond happy to be out of my parents’ house, away from my all too strict father, to be independent and free.
There is nothing like the foolhardiness and the arrogance of youth.
It was autumn.
It was a glorious autumn night, the air smelled like falling leaves and evening primrose, we were free and we were hell bent on making the most of our freedom. A group of us took to the Dublin night life and the energy in us was palpable, we were truly alive.
Life had finally started.
It was like the third or maybe the fourth pub we were in, when I saw her. The most beautiful girl I had ever laid my eyes on, she was like no woman I had met in my life. Statuesque, with jet black hair flowing down her back, with glowing skin and with eyes so black that it was impossible for me to distinguish between the pupil and the iris.
I was on top of the world so, with my boldness at high peak, I went straight to her.
She was as beautiful up close as she was from afar. As it turned out she was Spanish and I found her way of talking added to her uncanny attraction. I was doomed from that first moment.
We drank, we chatted and then we stepped out to ‘catch a breath of fresh air’, the truth is I was dying to kiss her. We leaned against the wall with the bright pub name lights enveloping us in a surreal glow. The Sally Gardens, I will never forget that name. The pub is no longer there, but every time I pass that spot my heart hurts and shatters.
I will forever blame myself. I should have known better.
As we were making out and I was transported in a world of light and delight, I felt somebody yanking me by the shirt collar and throwing me on the ground. As I was struggling to recover I saw a group of men laughing, looking at me, then her, and saying something to her.
‘Hey! Leave her alone!’, they turned to me and in the next second I felt a boot kick me in the stomach. I let out a loud scream and, as I was catching my breath, I saw a few people come out of the pub and take her away. My head fell back on the wet pavement.
I was taken to the hospital and they discovered I had actually hit my head pretty bad and had a fracture at the back of my skull. One of my ribs was broken and the other badly bruised. My father was out of his mind.
As I lay there on the hospital bed half drugged, half awake I could hear my parents argue, he really wanted me to drop out and go back home. My mother was more balanced, wanting first to let me heal and we will all chat after.
Another memory I have from that confused state of mind is her. She visited me, like an angel she walked in slowly, took my hand, thanked me and she bid me to take life and love easy. I was so out of it that, then, I did not understand she was actually saying good bye. Only later, when I revisited that moment did I understand that she was going away.
I was in the hospital a good while. My friends brought me class work, they helped me not fall behind. My fractures healed, but my heart never was whole again.
When I got out of the hospital, I managed to convince my father to let me continue with school after we went to church together, and I promised I will never go to a pub like that Sally Gardens again.
It was easy to keep the promise, I never wanted to go back, I just went searching for her, my Spanish lady, but I never did find her, and that is when I knew she had come to say good bye.
Nobody knew her, nobody knew her name, I seemed to remember she had said Dolores, but I could not be one hundred per cent. And so, Dolores just stayed in my heart nestled there for the entirety of my days.
So, when they say love cannot last a life time, it means they have never felt love, because it can, I can tell you for sure.