Alfie was woken up by a whiny voice somewhere in his vicinity. It was just too early for that s****t! He snuggled more into his sleeping bag and hoped the person will just go away. They did not!
Alfie cursed having chosen his sleeping spot close to a bench, but there was such good hedge coverage that he could hide right behind it and the base of a large statue and nobody could see him there. He’d snapped up a lovely tent sheet on Moore Street and he’d made a nice, dry, cozy bed, protected by the wind and the rain.
The voice went on. Alfie had no choice but to peek out from behind the statue to see what was going on. He could spot on the bench a tallish man, dressed for work, by that Alfie understood coat and shirt, he was oblivious that nowadays anyone can go dressed almost any way in work.
The man had next to him a steaming cup of coffee and a sausage bap. Alfie’s mouth started watering. He could do with some breakfast and sausage baps were his favorites. Not to mention that coffee was the liquid of the Gods, next to tea of course. Beggars can’t be choosers! Alfie told to himself and laughed inside at his own wittiness.
It was so cozy and warm in the sleeping bag that Alfie decided food was just not worth it right then. A nap would be good! Bap, nap, the essence of the world in a few letters … tea … Alfie’s survivalist stream of consciousness was interrupted by the whiny voice again.
‘I am telling you, I can’t go on like this! I need more respect! They never listen to me in meetings! I am sure they laugh about me behind my back! I can barely get them to do the minimum needed! Such ungrateful little p***s! All of them, the women and the men!’
Alfie was starting to get annoyed.
‘You are an ungrateful little p****k!’, he thought to himself watching from under his sleeping bag, behind the statue. At that angle Alfie could see the man was well dressed, had good shoes, comfy with bouncy soles. Alfie would have loved himself some of those! He wiggled his toes remembering the hurt caused by the a size too small shoes he had now.
If only the man had let him sleep! But instead he went on and on! Now he was doing something like breathing exercises breathing in the noisiest way possible! Alfie could not handle it anymore!
Like a leopard, he sprung from behind the statue, and in a heart beat he was sat on the bench next to the man, now shocked with fear.
‘Lovely morning we are having!’, Alfie used his most seductive voice and his words sounded almost like a melodic hiss. He could see the man was immobilized by fear, but knew that he will snap out of it quickly, so he needed to take advantage of this suspended moment.
‘You know your coffee smells delicious! Could not help notice! And that bap! Shame to let it go cold!’
As he was talking he expertly picked up the coffee and the bap touching both to make sure there was no doubt about the owner.
‘This is a gooood cup of coffee!’, he let out after having a sip. ‘Want some?’, the sweetness in his voice made it sound like he was very generous to share.
The man, his phone now in his lap, watched Alfie incredulously.
He made to get up, but Alfie was strong and in a fast move pinned him to the bench.
‘Oh no, don’t go! Stay a while!’, Alfie could see the man looking around desperately for support, but it was just too early for that. And anyway, people rarely intervened, most often they would hurry away pretending they did not see anything. Sad, but that was the world they lived in, and Alfie was used to being ignored and avoided.
‘Thanks for that! I always say, breakfast is the most important meal of the day! And lunch, and dinner, and any snacks you can find …’, with the corner of his eye Alfie watched the man and his trembling hands. He felt bad for him! But still what lovely shoes you have grandma ….!
‘So … what do you do?’, Alfie felt it was his duty to ease the man into the events that were to follow.
‘*&^%$£ …’
‘Wha …?’, Alfie wondered if the man was foreign, but no he was not he was just complaining on the phone a few minutes earlier. Alfie decided he did not like the man. No point in dragging it on.
‘I like your shoes! What size are you?’, his voice was now that of a business man doing a transaction.
‘10’, the man was barely able to say the number.
‘Oh!’, Alfie’s eyes lit up with satisfaction. Nothing worse than finding some shoes you like and they are not your size.
‘Would you consider a donation to the poor?’, Alfie hoped no pressure would be required.
‘Ahhhh sure …’, the man made to pull out his wallet and took out a few coins.
Ohhh bless him, he is a bit slow!, Alfie thought to himself and eased his feet out of his old, extremely dirty shoes.
‘Tz-tz! The shoes!’, and he lifted his ugly socked feet so the man was clear about what he wanted.
‘My shoes!?!’
‘And he gets it!’, Alfie started to get bored with the man’s slowness. ‘And faster cause my feet are getting cold!’
Alfie got his feet closer and the man impressed by his size and swiftness undid his shoes and handed them over. Now that he was close Alfie could see the man had a really thick wool coat on.
‘And the coat!’, no more time for niceties.
The man made to run but, Alfie’s grip was so quick and strong that, he was like a fly caught in a net. With his new shoes on and the coat Alfie felt like a new man.
‘Quality stuff this! You’ve got good taste!’, he almost felt like dancing.
He took out the man’s belongings from his pockets. He had no need for his keys, phone or cards. He was not a thief! The clothes were survival tools!
When he was handling the wallet he could not help but see the lovely, orange outline of some fifty euro notes. He took them out.
‘For the poor!’, and he winked.
The man was now trembling and barely could make eye contact. Alfie felt generous.
‘Listen, because you have been so charitable with the less fortunate I will share with you a bit of old Irish man wisdom. It’s not what’s said, it’s what’s heard. Cheers!’
Alfie disappeared behind the statue, picked up his backpack and his sleeping things and off he went. He needed to disappear before the man had the chance to come to his sense and scream for help. As he walked away Alfie did not hear any screams, maybe the guy was slow at that too.
What Alfie did not know was that, the man was still there on the bench in his socked feet, trembling and cold, but somehow at peace. He held his keys, phone and wallet tightly feeling relieved he was still alive.
While Alfie was taking his things the man had gone, in his head, through all the horrible scenarios of potential outcomes. And all the time he could see his family’s faces hurting and in pain. He was relieved for himself and for them. He did not want that kind of trauma for his children or his wife.
‘Said vs heard, that is an interesting point!’, he thought to himself while walking on the damp sidewalk to his car. He put on his gym shoes and climbed in, happy he had gone all out and had bought heated seats. He sat there in his warm, locked car eating the chocolate he kept hidden from his wife and as a bribe for his children. The shops were opening and soon he will head into the office.
New shoes first. He had not felt this kind of joy since he was a teenager and he got his first paycheck for stacking shelves in Dunnes.
‘What an unusual, horrible man …’, he thought about the strong, dirty thief that had robbed him.
A few streets away Alfie was using his easy earned cash to buy himself a proper Irish breakfast. A man’s gotta eat!