Often, when she was about to do something she had promised herself a million times before she will never do again, she quoted to herself Oscar Wilde’s ‘I can resist anything but temptation!’.
Afterwards, when she would be punishing herself for her weak nature she would switch quotes and got to ‘Errare humanum est, perseverare diabolicum.’, and to punish herself further she would translate it in her mind, to make sure she truly understood what a despicable, evil person she is ‘To err is human, but to persist in error is diabolical.’
She was now in one of those depression slumps that followed her falling into temptation and she felt run down, exhausted and depleted. It all felt just too difficult and she was unable to scrape any power to be able to deal with it.
Hiding there in her bed, under the duvet, she felt inundated with guilt, she had promised, she had solemnly promised that she will never over eat again. Rose hated the term binge eating, it had such an unpleasant ring to it.
Hidden in the darkness she tried to review with her minds eye the events of the previous evening.
She had been in control all day, she had had recommended food and portions, she had eaten slowly so the brain registers the food, she had done everything by the book.
And then evening came opening this huge gaping void inside her that she felt she needed to fill somehow. Rose felt almost an organic need to fill the emptiness inside her.
It began with a small cracker, which then needed to be accompanied by something, then one packet was not enough for the accompaniment so she opened a new one.
Then she needed a drink, something large and sweet, which required some snacks.
When those were done she fell asleep for fifteen minutes in front of the TV and when she woke up she decided ice cream was called for. The scoops were so tiny, so she stopped counting them and just filled out a bowl. To add some crunch she broke up some sweet biscuits over the ice-cream.
By the time she was ready for bed she had spent almost four hours eating. She crawled into bed and fell into a fitful sleep marked by stomach cramps and anxious thoughts.
Now, in the morning, she felt so bad, sluggish and guilty, hating herself for yet again surrendering to her demons.
‘Mommy needs a vodka!’, she whispered to herself while sadly smiling at her broken self-esteem.
Rose dreaded the day, and what she dreaded the most was knowing that this was a never ending cycle and that most likely it will be the same as yesterday in just a few hours time.
Silent tears ran across her face, angry, sad tears, desperate and hopeless.
The phone buzzed again, the snooze reminding that she cannot postpone things any longer, she had to get up and take things as they come and try to do better.
Rose had stopped following all those hyper energetic, well adapted, organized and wonderful people social media flooded her with. She just could not deal with the guilt they all woke up in her. It seems it should be easy and the problem is her, that is why stuff just does not work for her.
Anger prompted her out of bed and avoiding any mirror in her path she got ready for work. All she could do was pray that she will make it through all right out at the other end of the day.
‘Sometimes, I can resist anything but temptation.’, a voice sweetly whispered as she was going down the stairs, emptying her mind of thoughts and focusing them on what could be a delicious protein packed breakfast.