Motivation woke up trying to forget the nightmares of the night before. Ugh! Why bother going to sleep at all if that was the plan? The cold air made her want to go back under the duvet, but the memories were too fresh to make it appealing.
She wrapped herself in a large, plastic bathrobe, slipped her aching feet into large woolly slippers and shuffled, groaning out of the bedroom.
Motivation was in one of those stages when mornings were painful. She needed to warm up a bit before the pain subsided enough for her to ignore it.
She glanced at herself in the mirror and was forced to look away. The blotched, puffy face looking at her just deepened her dissatisfaction with everything. As she was brushing her teeth a sharp pain shot from one of her wisdom teeth to her brain.
‘F***ing Hell!’, for sure a sign she had no wisdom left, just a shadow of her former self.
When she finally managed to get out of the bathroom, she was already exhausted and dreaded the trip to the kitchen to make herself some coffee. However, years of habit carried her slowly to the kettle, and she made herself a coffee that was not necessarily the best, but at least it was hot.
She dropped on the couch, careful not to spill her coffee, and sat there sipping the hot liquid without any plans or purpose.
Despite being awake she felt that her arms were very heavy and her eyes sleepy. She wished to do so many things, but her body was just too heavy to move and to make it do what she needed it to.
After forty minutes, maybe one hour, the door bell rang.
Very aware of appearances Motivation jumped up and briskly walked to the door.
The postman was there all smiles and brightness.
‘Package for you!’
‘Thank you!’
She smiled back, she made nice, she closed the door after him exhausted.
She took the little box back to the couch and examined it.
She hadn’t ordered anything, not because she didn’t want to, but she just couldn’t be bothered. What was the point?
The package had her name on it, her address, and the sender was some generic name from China, and she could read on it Zhengzhou province.
Motivation did not know anyone in China, and no matter how much she dug around in her brain she did not remember ordering anything online.
What if it was drugs?
No, it had the stamp of having been checked by customs, it was safe for sure.
Motivation could not resist a mystery so she opened the little package. In it, nicely wrapped she found a scarf and a little red bag.
Whaaaaat?
The scarf had a large Burberry label and it seemed luxurious and soft.
In the little red bag there was a little red box and in the little red box there was a small, yellow metal ring.
Confused, Motivation looked in the bag looking for a note or something, and what she found was a certificate of authenticity which said the ring was a Cartier love ring.
Now, this was really extraordinary!
Motivation turned the little ring on all sides, it was so pretty and shiny. It was so small that it only fit her pinky, but still, what a darling!
Motivation was flabbergasted! She had forgotten all about herself and was just in awe of the package she had received. She looked again at the box, yes it was her name on it, her address.
She took out the scarf from its shiny plastic bag, and indeed, it was luxurious and soft. With the little ring on her finger and the scarf around her neck Motivation felt like something else, like somehow, somewhere in the universe, somebody thought about her and sent her those wonderful gifts.
Of course, as you do, Motivation looked up the items online, they were for sure fake, but she did not care, she loved them so much, and that little spark of joy that they brought made her get up, take a shower, wash the dishes and go out for a walk.
‘No more self-destruction!’, she muttered to herself in front of the cake laden shelf in the shop.
Slowly she went to the fish counter and bought herself a nice looking piece of fish.
‘One small step at a time.’
The small ring glittered on her little finger.
On the way home she stopped on a bench, in the park, and the scarf fluttered delicately in the wind. When it touched her face it was like the universe gently caressed her and showed her she mattered.
Motivation inhaled deeply and felt tears gathering in the corner of her eyes. Maybe all she had needed was a bit of kindness, she was not hopeless, she was just exhausted.
At home, Motivation put the ring in its box and she put the scarf neatly folded in the scarf drawer. Then she had dinner and read for a while.
Tomorrow is another day for Motivation to take another small step.
Brick by brick, word by word, choice by choice, you can reclaim control one small action at a time. Motivation thought while settling down for the night.