What hurt the most was not the treason, it was the fact that he did not see it coming. He had lived in perfect bliss, everything was as it needed to be, the world was right and he had his well determined place in it.
And then, all of a sudden, everything shook and the firm foundation his reality was grounded in cracked, and his world shattered in a million little shards that cut into his soul.
When did it happen? He was there all the time, he worked from home for Christ’s sake! And he did not see it coming, he did not see the signs.
Now, thinking back, he sometimes laughs at himself at how stupid he had been, how he had found logical explanations for everything that was out of place. His mind could never conceive that she would do that, that she would lie, cheat and steal.
How did he not see that coming?!?
Now he did not even trust himself to recognize reality, everything around him seemed fake, like living on a movie set, where everything is made to look as real as possible but they just crack and break at the slightest pressure.
Life used to have meaning, he had felt he belonged to somebody, that there was one soul in the world that wished him well. Now, not even him wished well to himself.
What do you do with the void inside? How do you handle the emptiness you feel? The pain turning into rage, the rage turning into despair, the despair turning into emptiness.
He was old enough to know it will pass. Years from now, he will look back and laugh at himself, at how stupid and dramatic he had been. But he was living in the now, and he had to deal with his feelings in the present.
He knew his drama was nothing compared to things other people were going through, and when he felt he was losing himself he would close his eyes shut really tightly, he would dig his nails into the palm of his hands and he would start repeating to himself what he was grateful for:
‘I am healthy, I have a good job, I live in a nice place, I still have all my hair …’
And so on he went, trying to find as many positive things as he could, grounding himself by forcing his mind to think at the good things, at the real things. Something that seemed so easy, was so difficult to do! His mind just wanted to dwell on his misery and twist it around on all sides making him suffer as much as possible.
,That b…,, and then the door bell rang.
‘WTF!’, he told himself stunned, while looking at the blond, wavy hair, the blue eyes, the human that had burnt his soul to a crisp.
He wanted to close the door in her face, but his body did not respond, he was mesmerized as if in front of an apparition. Was she real?
‘James … hi …’, her voice was trembling, and a shiver went through his spine at the look of her.
He managed to move and made to close the door without saying anything, but she reacted quickly.
‘Please I need to talk to you … Can I come in?’, she sounded both pleading and seductive at the same time.
He could not be in the same room as her, he could not bear the thought of it, he was not sure he would be able to control himself.
‘No, if you have something to say, say it here, if not, go away!’, he sounded like a resentful child, and he felt a bit awkward about it. He would have liked to sound more manly, more in control.
‘Oh James! The neighbors will watch!’
So she still cared more about what the neighbors will think! This realization gave him a bit more strength and continued to close the door.
‘Good bye!’
Unexpectedly, she put her foot in the door and reached out to touch him. Involuntarily he pulled back to avoid it, and that was when she stepped in, moving her slender figure through the barely opened door.
He was shocked, this was a totally new her she had never seen, now rage was building inside him and he felt a kind of hatred he had never felt before.
‘You have no right! Get out!’, his voice sounded more desperate than firm.
‘Oh James, come on don’t be like that, offer a girl a drink won’t you?’, she sounded more like a purring cat than a talking human. She had now reached the kitchen.
‘No, you have to leave, if you don’t I will call the Gardai …’
And she laughed, a loud, mocking kind of laughter, her blue eyes sparkling with malice.
‘Awww, poor James will call the Gardai and tell them little old me is being mean to him? Please! You are pathetic!’, but then as if she understood she went to far she changed her tone.
‘I need your help James! You are the only one that can save me! Please don’t be like that!’, and in a swift motion she was next to him, leaning her head on his chest with her beautifully smelling hair filling his nostrils and carrying him back to a time when she meant everything to him. He felt his core melting, she needed his help!
‘What is wrong?’
‘The economy, everything is bad, I can’t find a job and the bills just keep coming, I just need your help for a bit, just a few hundred euros would go a long way… Oh James, I missed you …’
Money, that is what she wanted, money.
He had this insight then that if he wanted, he could have dragged this out, he could have taken her to bed and then given her money or not … a small way of punishing her … he felt like throwing up … just the thought made him feel nauseated … she brought out all the worst in him.
‘Come, let’s chat … ‘, he walked her in her arms seemingly towards the living room, but when they were passing the entrance door her opened it in one swift move, and pushed her out, slamming it shut with a loud noise.
‘And stay out!’ he shouted at the locked door.
He did not know what she did, his legs were trembling and he felt faint, so he went to the kitchen to sit down.
‘Freaking hell! The madness!’
He did not know for how long he sat there in a daze, then the phone started buzzing continuously. He looked at it altough he knew that it was her.
‘The number needs to be changed!’, he was surprised himself by his reaction.
Something inside him had broken and he felt relief, he felt happy and free.
This visit had made him understand that he had gotten out just in time. It could have been much worse, much, much worse later on if they had gotten married or, God forbid, had children.
James felt euphoric, as you do when you realize you have just had a very close encounter with something very dangerous, but somehow you survived.
‘Ain’t life grand?!’